Till grade 3

It's coming soon whether I like it or not.

I can smell the morning air changing to that of "butterflies in my tummy and nervousness"

I don't like BIG change. At all.

SEPTEMBER!!!!!!!!!

As a momma now of 3 girls I'm finding I really need to "check" my emotions daily.

I need to be THE example for them. I need to extend the grace, poise, softness, gentleness, patience, kindness. I need to be the strength/security for them when they are feeling a little apprehensive or insecure about a situation. They are looking to ME to be the one who is calm amidst the STORM...or so called storm. or in my life...change!

I can see it starting with Sophie already.

 I need to not let things bother me. Well, I can but not freak out in front of them anymore OR start bawling my face off. They are at a stage now where they will remember everything and that will effect them for the rest of their lives.

My earliest 1st memory that I can remember now all started in Kindergarten. Before that I can't remember a thing (PTL).

That scares me that NOW is when they will remember everything.

It all started when I was in preschool.

 I cried EVERYDAY...everyday people..at drop off time getting to school till grade 3...GRADE 3 people!! My poor mom. I'm sure she looked forward to taking my brother and I to school EVERYDAY!!...lol..
**Picture it........screaming little girl in the back seat of our robin egg Volkswagen bug**

 I think I have the PAYBACK with Hope. Biggest mommas girl known to mankind *roll eyes* - suck it up kid.

I got a certificate in Grade 3 from Mrs. Johannasen for not crying for ONE WHOLE WEEK. All the kids clapped...lol..

I can still remember waking up and just wanting to burst into tears the moment I opened my eyes. "I was going to be away from my mom"!!!!

I can still feel that churning in my tummy, the nervousness of all that was going around.

The funny thing was I cried until my mom left..maybe another few minutes. THEN I was OK and totally fine. I wouldn't be sad or even think about it for the whole rest of the day. I loved school and thrived. Good lord child.

My Kindergarten teacher Mrs Elliot had zero patience for me or the other kids who cried every morning. In fact...we had to go to the corner to cry...bahhaah!! that is SOO mean now that I think of it...sheesh.

I think just the THOUGHT of my mom leaving me was the worst. I wasn't overly babied, I wasn't  a mommas girl. BUT I did have fears that I think most 5 year olds dont' think about. Like if my mom was gone for the day and she said she'd be home at 5pm. I'd be there waiting for her..and if she was 15/20/half and hour late I'd be a MESS bawling my face off thinking she was in a car accident and dead. YIKES....well, maybe I was 7 or 8 BUT still!!!

I think now, I was just really insecure and MY MOM was my source of SAFETY and security. I didn't have any tools to help with that.

I want my girls to be feel like I'm a safe person to rely on when they are feeling scared or insecure. 

I'm saying this because some days I FEEL like I'm sooooo insecure and a total and complete loooooney!!!!

 I need to them to be able to leave my side confident and full of the knowledge that I hope and pray Ryan and I have poured into them these last few (short BUT SO important years).

I think having your kids see your weaknesses is very very important and BELIEVE me they do. BUT still with that source of strength knowing that "If mom feels good about his situation, then I'm ok"....GAH, I'm blabbing and I really hope this all makes sense?? BUELLER?

I just hope and pray that all that we have imparted in them/values/ideas/conflict issues have stuck. Also, that they are able to grow into confident BOLD women who are willing to take on the world.

Did I do enough? did I spend my time with them wisely? GAH, as parents we are so imperfect but trying our best to do what we can on a day to day basis.

For now I'm going to pretend that my September calender is free of any dates or appointments

*plugging my ears....laaaaa, laaaaa, laaaaaa*

We don't get home from Saskabush till August 31 or Sept 1st. I'm scared people. scared. I need a paper bag.

This parenting thing is DEEP.

Flip flap and a peanut butter sandwich. I have 3 girls. un, deux, trois....... I'd better put on my big girl underwear and buckle up IT'S BEGUN!!!

LOVE LOVE
Emotional wreck :)..well, kinda. I'm working on it. kinda....